"Alright real quick I just wanna say something before we uh, get to our next song, um, I know you think i'm just uh, a mindless recording. Right? i'm programmed to repeat silly bits of patter while you drive around and murder people in this video game,right? well, maybe that's true, maybe that's true but I gotta question. How independent are you? Turnin' the tables is what i'm doing here, because you think you have free will but really your just doin' what the game tells you to do. How much control do you really have over your own life? I mean, think about it, this is what you do. Take a look man,You sit around all day playing a video game and listening to fake radio stations? What are you doing with your life? Don't you want to get a girlfriend and maybe learn something new? surprise us! take a class! get a skill or something! we already know you can punch buttons and pull your pud! come on,man!"
"Alright folks, just wanna share something here. The other day...this is weird, I found a third nipple on my body, I mean its not weird, I just discovered it so you know. Most people who have third nipples have them on there chest, right next to there regular nipples and um, I found mine...I found mine behind my knee, which I think is weird,right?you know, you spend your whole life thinking of yourself as uh,as having two nipples. I mean that's just quote unquote normal. Then you discover that there's a whole other nipple,that's uh, that's...that's behind your knee. And uh, it's caused a, a ripple effect,of insecurity, Where now I'm questioning everything. Like whats real, whats true. And I know your wondering if I used the word ripple to rhyme with nipple and the answer is no,just occurred to me that I said that so I said it. Anyway I gotta third nipple on my knee, I just wanted to let everybody know that."
— Jon, talking about his recently discovered third nipple.
"Alright, got a little dangerdoom for ya!"
— Jon,playing Basketcase-dangerdoom.
"Y'know I've had a lotta people ask what the call letters in WDDT CPDG the swim stand for. Um, I wondered myself for a while. But then I looked up call letters, on Wikipedia and I found out they don't stand for anything. Call letters are, and I'm quoting here: "A unique designation for a transmitting station". So there basically, random letters, for identifying broadcast stations. You know what? this is boring. I don't know why i'm talking about this, i'm very sorry. I guess uh, I guess i'm runnin' outta things to talk about. If I had to pick I would say they stand for... "Why Do Dogs Think Cats Psychologically Don't Get It." I added an I. Had to make it work."
— Jon, talking about the call letters in the radio station name.
"Hey Tom? Tom can we get some food in here? I'm starving man...I know your not a waiter, I'm just asking a question...No, I don't think your a waiter! that's, just stop, alright that's...that's a long way to go to be sarcastic Tom, wow. Alright, um... for those of you listening Tom just put on a waiters apron and got out a pad and pen. As if he's gonna take my order, alright Tom,I get it...lets just get back to the show...alright Tom's just staring at me,pen poised over pad. Your gonna make me uh, go through this little meal ordering thing, alright fine. Your gonna make me the wavos vancheros? with a side order of...chicken and the sausage, cappuchino and, oh yeah and can you give me the bill to go? I'm in sort of a rush...yeah I gotta meet my friend Tom at the smartass convention downtown...no, I don't have another friend called Tom I'm talking about you,Tom!...Well how the hell was I supposed to know you were kidding? your a...your a very difficult person to work with Tom."
— Jon, arguing with Tom about food.
"Oh hey! hi!...Oh uh, listeners I'm not talking to you, this woman just walked by the studio and uh...she winked at me...God, she was hot, hey tom who was that?...what do you mean "who am I talking about?" the hot as hell woman who just walked by, you didn't see her? Oh man she, she was the kinda hot, where you would get a boner even if she was standing behind you...You know, the hairs on the back of your neck stands up, your bone stands up...You got a boner Tom?...You see, there you go."
— Jon, talking to Tom about a woman.
"Alright you are listening to...my voice...*laughing* you thought I was gonna say WDDT CPDG the swim, which would also have been correct, either way."
— Jon, after a song ends
"Your listening to WDDT CPDG the swim's 12 songs that randomly repeat forever rock block."
— Jon, after a song ends
"Alright, hope you enjoyed that last song, um, I can't hear music myself, sort of a defect I've had since birth. Y'know people saying "oh that was a great song!" y'know stuff like that, I don't know what there talkin' about. But I will say this, I like the way *censored* looks."
— Jon, after a song ends.
"Alright folks, were gonna mix it up a little here, and uh, take some listener calls. Our first caller comes from...hold up...kay my sound producer Tom is telling me were not set up to take listener calls, what, what's the...well what kinda radio station isn't set up to take calls? that doesn't make sense Tom...no you just get a phone and plug it into the thing,right?...Kay Tom's saying i'm oversimplifying it...kay now he's saying I don't how broadcast stations work...kay now he's saying I don't know how audio technology works, alright Tom?...I get it, i'm not as knowledgeable as you,okay?...kay now he's saying that no, I don't get it, I don't get anything...okay? now he's pulling out a knife, and it looks like the knife from the movie,Cobra...okay he's waving it at me, and he's slashing it against the tan booth glass... Whoa,now hes pulling of his shirt...he is RIPPED, Jesus Tom!...Oh my god! hes carving... runic symbols into his chest and...hes muttering these words in this pre-human way a- OH MY GOD! HE JUST HURLED HIMSELF ACROSS THE GLASS! It shattered like a ceramic vase, this is NUTS! Holy shit! alright folks, it is official, things are getting weird around here."
— Jon, during a chaotic series of events.
"Now get your ears ready for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song!"
— Jon,said when the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song plays.
"Get your taste buds ready for cheeseburger, and there new song, winner!"
— Jon when cheeseburger-winner plays.
"Alright,we are gonna take a quick break from the total mind blowing you've been getting,to pay some bills! Our sponsor today is of course Nicky's Grinders, um, now as you know i'm a huge personal fan of this place, um, Nicky serves up hands down the best grinders in the city.Not only are they tasty, they provide the eater with a pure,all natural grinder high that can last,I would say minimum up to 12 hours,minimum. Lemme describe to you, what it's like to bite into one of these grinders,from Nicky's: your teeth penetrate the crust like miners, delving through a delicious ore. And once through the top strata, they find themselves in a golden anti-chamber of horseradish,cheddar and Dijon. Like Odysseus in the land of the lotus eaters, they are in danger of tarrying to long, and become entrapped, by the pleasures they found.But if they press into the deeper layers,they discover a true awakening of flavor,in the form of a baked glazed honey ham, sliced thin, like spider hair, that's how thin.Your teeth undergo a transcendent enlightenment.Kinda like the apes in the beginning of 2001.There inspired to erect, a new civilization in the world of the grinder. A glorious cave kingdom, ruled justly, with the largest of spirit. Unmatched by any civilization that has come before.So uh, good grinders is kinda what i'm getting at."
— Jon, describing a grinder from Nicky's
"Alright, so uh, the network wants to get some brand recognition going out there uh, they want me to do a few of my classic catchphrases like uh, *fart noise* and uh, "what a crunchry!".Y'know "lacation" "meatsweet" and all that kinda stuff but uh,y'know frankly there's too many to do them all, I mean uh, lets face it folks,i'm a one liner machine. a linechine if you will. A catchphrapist. Anyway there's too many,is my point so uh, what i'm gonna do, is give 'em all to you in one all-encompassing breath. You heard it right,your gonna get every one of my classic, pithcramic catchphrases,in one ultimate breath to end all breaths.And that breath is...ready for it? here it is...*fart noise*runchlaycainwheat.You catch that? I'll give it to you one more time. *fart noise*runchlaycainwheat.Boom. There it is. Super breath. Just take a few deep breathes, gotta calm down,process it. And do it,go to your mirror,go to your bathroom. Look at your mouth. Make it happen."
— Jon, combining all his catchphrases together.
"Alright folks,we are gonna do a little calling contest right now. The first five listeners to call in,and accurately guess the longest hair on my body will win two tickets, to see the Vaudeville Vagina's at the metalarch arena at Shortview,New Jersey On February 31st. opening act that night is gonna be Grumpy Grandpa and the Guts and they'll be performing one of there classic murder stunts live on stage. Plus there's talk of a surprise appearance by cybersaurus who's gonna be crushing trucks, and givin' away free Chuck Cola via his retinue of subtle virgin bars-women. So uh, should be a pretty wild night. Get back to the song!"
— Jon, on a calling contest.
"You probably just creamed right now cause you recognized my voice from the hit reality show Delocated. Its okay, you can stop creaming now, but uh, y'know if you can't stop creaming you might wanna consider purchasing a pair of cream-resistant pants. I know what your thinkin'. "Cream-resistant pants don't exist,there little more than a off dreamt possibility, hovering somewhere in the distant future." Well uh, guess what? Your wrong, dude. I am as we speak in the process of developing a cutting edge line of pant, guaranteed,to reroute any cream safely from the crotch area,down the pant leg, into a small gutter in the cuff. If you would like to purchase the cream-resistant pant,I am accepting pre-orders at: www.Krousers.com/nomocream.Log on, make a purchase."
— Jon advertising his cream-resistant pants.
"WDDT CPDG the swim,your one stop shop for all things uh,uuuuuuuhm...yeah I dunno just started to say that and then I didn't know what else, I didn't know how to finish it."
— Jon, after a song ends
"Your listening to WDDT CPDG, the swim. I'm Jon from Delocated and this is WDDT CPDG the swim. Wait did I say that already?"