Ad blocker interference detected!
Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers
Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.
Saints Row Edit
3rd Street Saints (prologue) Edit
The Streets of StilwaterEdit
- Main article: The Streets of Stilwater
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report on gang activity in Stilwater. Once again, violence has erupted and has broken the stillness of the morning, as overnight in the Saint's Row area, all three warring factions of the main gang-related organizations have again traded gunfire and death. Known as Los Carnales, the Westside Rollerz with a 'z', and Vice Kings, these ruthless thugs think nothing of stealing what they want, engaging in prostitution, drug distribution, insurance fraud, loan sharking, and more, giving the Stilwater Police Department fits. And to enforce their territories, these marauders engage in firing weapons at anyone within striking distance, using explosive devices and military-grade material to manage the population of their competitors with deadly force - all while placing the law-abiding citizens of Stilwater squarely in the crossfire. When gang violence happens, and it will, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Reclamation
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong. If you've been wondering what those new colors are that you've been seeing on the streets lately, Stilwater Police Chief Richard Monroe addressed the media on that very subject today, and our own Jane Valderamma was there. Jane?"
Jane Valderamma: "Jack. As if this city didn't have enough to worry about, Chief Monroe revealed today that a fourth gang has thrown its colors into the ring, doing battle on the streets of Stilwater. Chief Monroe said that the name of the new gang is... the 3rd Street Saints."
Chief Monroe: "We've identified a new cell of urban terrorist today. While they like to call themselves the 3rd Street Saints, we're calling them nothing more than common criminals. At this time we know very little about them, other than that they exist and they are the driving force behind the recent ramp-up of gang violence that has plagued this city."
Jane Valderamma: "I asked Chief Monroe how his force will handle this new threat."
Chief Monroe: "We budgeted more money this year for training, surveillance, undercover officers, and for more sophisticated body armor and weaponry. We plan to take the fight to them rather than wait for them to attack the citizens of this great city. If we act quickly and with steely determination, these 3rd Street Saints simply can't survive."
Jane Valderamma: "It sounds as if Chief Monroe has lined up the resources he needs to stop this new gang from becoming another major danger in a town already on the ropes. From the newsroom, I'm Jane Valderamma. Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Thank you, Jane. More from the newsroom in less than 30 minutes. I'm Jack Armstrong."
Westside Rollerz Edit
Stacking the Deck Edit
- Main article: Stacking the Deck
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong. It's not safe to be a truck these days. More and more 18 wheelers are becoming the targets of successful hijacking attempts. Stilwater police are warning shipping companies and the drivers' unions to be extra vigilant when traversing both the highways and surface streets in town. Cartage insurance rates have risen recently when shipping through Stilwater. Yet another black eye for a city under siege. From the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
Burying Evidence Edit
- Main article: Burying Evidence
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom. William Sharp, wealthy local attorney and major contributor to the mayoral campaign of Alderman Hughes, is dead. His car was found wrapped around a tree in the northern district this morning. Sharp was pronounced dead at the scene. No other vehicles were involved in the accident and no other details have been released in the case. From the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
No Time to Mourn Edit
- Main article: No Time to Mourn
- Jack Armstrong: "Jack Armstrong in the newsroom. The body of an unidentified female was discovered this morning along the shores of Stilwater Bay. Her body was badly bruised and her clothes were missing. Police are hoping that you can help identify her. All they have to go on is that she was estimated to be between 25 and 30 years of age, 5'3", approximately 105 lb, and was of Asian descent. If you have any information on this Jane Doe-san, please call the missing persons hotline at the Stilwater police barracks. From the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
Semi-Charmed Life Edit
- Main article: Semi-Charmed Life
- Jack Armstrong: "Jack Armstrong in the newsroom. If you were wondering why it took you a lot longer to get home today, your afternoon commute was stalled by a terrific two truck collision on an exit ramp in the downtown area, snarling traffic in both directions. Reports that gunfire was heard prior to the accident have not been substantiated. An out-of-control semi collided with a fully-loaded fuel tanker. While the driver of the semi was killed instantly, miraculously the driver of the tanker walked away unharmed. We'll have more details from Officer Mike McCabe in our Eye-in-the-Sky traffic copter just ahead. Traffic and weather on the nine's, news as it happens, top and bottom of the hour. I'm Jack Armstrong."
Los Carnales Edit
Crack Down Edit
- Main article: Crack Down
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong. It was raining syringes today on the east side. For details, we go to our Jane Valderamma."
Jane Valderamma: "First one, then two, drug labs blew sky-high in the territory controlled by the Hispanic gang known as Los Carnales, today. The buildings themselves were reduced to rubble, and the drug-making and drug-using equipment inside was destroyed. Police did not allow any press near the burned-out buildings as they were processing the scenes for evidence. Eye witnesses I spoke to described a lone bomber who made small work of the series of attacks, and whose identity is, as yet, unknown. Reporting from the newsroom, I'm Jane Valderamma."
Jack Armstrong: "Thank you, Jane. We await word from Stilwater police on their policy for cleaning up the area of both drug debris and gang member activity. It's not safe out there folks. We'll bring you the details at the top of the hour. I'm Jack Armstrong."
Homeland Security Edit
- Main article: Homeland Security
- Jack Armstrong: "Jack Armstrong here in the newsroom. This just in: Stilwater police have just cordoned off the Saint's Row area of town and are warning the public to stay away, citing the warring factions of gang members engaged in today's outright carnage. Reports indicate that two rival gangs, Los Carnales and the 3rd Street Saints, are, as we speak, engaged in open warfare. On the news tip line with us is Saint's Row resident and news tipster, Juan Chinga Mi Madre. Am I pronouncing that right, Juan?"
Juan: "How did you pronounce my last name?"
Jack Armstrong: ""Chinga Mi Madre"."
Juan: "Ah, perfect, hombre."
Jack Armstrong: "Tell us, what are you seeing as you look out the window of su casa?"
Juan: "Well, it's quietened down a bit now, y'know, I don't see - oh, wait, oh dios mio!"
Jack Armstrong: "What? What is it? What do you see? Juan, what do you see?"
Juan: "Er, it's an, erm... it's a great big ass!"
Jack Armstrong: "I'm sorry?"
Juan: "Your ass, man."
Jack Armstrong: "Excuse me?"
Juan: "You big ass. You suck, dude! Suck! Suck! Suck! Hey Jack, you know who sucks?"
Jack Armstrong: "Who?"
Jack Armstrong: "Why I oughta..."
Juan: "You suck!"
Jack Armstrong: "I would like to take a moment to apologize; we have been victimized by a rogue. We will attempt to get a word from someone actually at the scene. In the meantime, to repeat: Stilwater police have just cordoned off the Saint's Row area of town and are warning the public to stay away. I'm Jack Armstrong."
McManus Says Hello Edit
- Main article: McManus Says Hello
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong. At a news conference today, Stilwater Police Chief Richard Monroe decried the recent gang violence at the waterfront and commented on the assassination of local Hispanic businessman and reputed gang leader, Hector Lopez."
Chief Monroe: "This is just another example of the type of criminal behavior that we are working hard to eliminate. We have seized the ill-gotten goods that these thugs were trying to slip into our city. If that's two or three million dollars worth of poison that won't be going into the arms and lungs of the youth of Stilwater. Now while death is always tragic, Hector Lopez chose to live a life of crime and he paid for that choice dearly."
Jack Armstrong: "Chief Armstrong [sic] noted that the case against the Los Carnales crime gang will proceed based on the evidence now securely stowed in the evidence lockers at police headquarters. We will bring you gavel-to-gavel coverage of the ensuing trial and will follow this story closely as it develops. In the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
Possession with Intent Edit
- Main article: Possession with Intent
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong. An explosion rocked a Stilwater police station today as hoodlums pulled off a daring heist in broad daylight. At least four police officers lost their lives when the side of the building housing the police evidence room was destroyed by a well-placed supply of explosives and a subsequent gun battle. Police estimate that of the booty seized, the crooks got away with drugs and guns with an estimated street value of over three million dollars. Police will only say that they were outnumbered and shocked at the brazen nature of the crime. The latest on this, and other Stilwater stories, at the top and bottom of the hour - news as it happens. I'm Jack Armstrong."
What Goes Up... Edit
- Main article: What Goes Up...
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong. A private jet exploded over Stilwater this afternoon, stunning those on the ground that watched it happen. Our Jane Valderamma has the report."
Jane Valderamma: "The plane had just taken off from Stilwater International when something went terribly wrong. It was less than two miles out when the plane fragmented in mid-air. The flight plan registered with air traffic control lists the pilot as Angelo Lopez, brother of recently-murdered crime boss Hector Lopez. The jet, registered to a known shell company in the control of the Lopez organized crime family, was completely destroyed as the debris rained down on the lake next to the airport. Although police have cordoned off the area, pieces of the wreckage are missing, including the black box, that will contain vital clues as to what exactly happened during the last few moments of Angelo Lopez's doomed final flight."
Jack Armstrong: "Jane Valderamma reporting from Saint's Row. The latest on this, and other Stilwater stories, at the top and bottom of the hour - news as it happens. I'm Jack Armstrong."
Vice Kings Edit
...To Kingdom Come Edit
- Main article: ...To Kingdom Come
- Jack Armstrong: "Jack Armstrong in the newsroom. Er, we are just receiving word of a disaster at... one moment... the location is just coming into us, what do we have? ... It is the Kingdom Come Records building downtown... Apparently some sort of massive explosion has occurred... I'm sorry, what's that? ... We have fire and rescue, they're on their way. We do not have many details at this time, but we do know that the force of the explosion was immense as the building was leveled. We are following this story closely here in the newsroom - we will bring you details as they occur. I'm Jack Armstrong."
Always Use Protection Edit
- Main article: Always Use Protection
- Jack Armstrong: "Following up on the Kingdom Come Records building explosion, it has now been officially confirmed that the body of rapper Aisha is missing amongst the rubble of the building that once housed Kingdom Come Records. Although the bodies of those on the upper floors of the building have been located and retrieved, the building fell in on itself and the worst damage occurred on the lower floors. According to fire and rescue personnel at the scene, there is almost no chance that Aisha survived the explosion or subsequent collapse of the building and the fire that consumed most of its bulk. She is, as are all of the people who were inside the building at the time of the explosion, presumed dead. We will keep you posted on the tragic death of Stilwater's own Aisha. Traffic and weather up next. I'm Jack Armstrong."
3rd Street Vice Kings (during) Edit
- Main article: 3rd Street Vice Kings
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom. This just in from the news desk: Glenview Hills seems to be the target of gangland warfare today as elements from the hoodlum gang known as Vice Kings are rampaging through the district as we speak. Reports indicate that everything is fair game and nothing is safe; storefronts smashed and firebombed, vehicles being destroyed, pedestrian traffic getting caught up in the violence - do not, repeat, do not, enter this area until the police have had a chance to quell the uprising. Repeating: Glenview Hills is under attack by the Vice King [sic] gang. If you are there now and are hearing this report, take appropriate safety measures. We will have a live report from Flying Officer Mike McCabe with the Stilwater Police Department in our Eye-in-the-Sky Chopper 2 as soon as he can get airborne. And we will keep an eye on this developing story here in the newsroom. I'm Jack Armstrong."
3rd Street Vice KingsEdit
- Main article: 3rd Street Vice Kings
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom. We now have more details on the massive attacks in Glenview Hills today; as promised, Flying Officer Mike McCabe of the Stilwater Police Department is now in our Eye-in-the-Sky Chopper 2. What is the situation like now, officer Mike?"
Mike McCabe: "Chaos, Jack, pure chaos. I'm circling over Glenview Hills as we speak, and the sight of burned-out cars, smashed storefront windows, dead bodies waiting to be toe-tagged - although it's hard to tell the bodies from the mannequins yanked from the fashion stores, Jack - it's like a warzone. While I am privy to some information given to us at the station on a need-to-know basis, we still are not quite sure what the flashpoint was for the Vice Kings' rampage. Now we do know that the Glenview Hills area is somewhat back to normal as the cleanup begins, Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Any word on when the shops will be back open for business, officer Mike?"
Mike McCabe: "Well, er... we're not sure, Jack. There's a lot of work to be done and shopkeepers and citizens alike here are keeping an eye out for any further activity as they sweep away the mess and try to get back to living their lives. In the Eye-in-the-Sky Chopper 2, this is Officer Mike McCabe. Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Flying Officer Mike McCabe of the Stilwater Police Department over Glenview Hills. We'll bring you details on this story as they happen. In the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
Round Peg, Square Hole Edit
- Main article: Round Peg, Square Hole
- Jack Armstrong: "From the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong. Yet another explosion downtown tonight; no one hurt, but the black cloud continues to hang over the Kingdom Come Records family. We're receiving reports that the reconstruction effort on their recording studio and administrative offices came to a screeching halt as an explosion rocked the construction site. No word yet on whether it was a natural disaster, a work-related incident, or more gang violence. Either way, it doesn't look like that highly-anticipated Aisha retrospective will be out in time for the holidays. We are following this story closely here in the newsroom and will bring you details as they occur. I'm Jack Armstrong."
The King and I Edit
- Main article: The King and I
- Jack Armstrong: "Jack Armstrong here, a follow up to the story we brought you earlier. Lots of Vice Kings dethroned today by Stilwater's finest. We've been standing by, waiting for comments, and... er, they are... they are ready now, yes? Okay. So we take you now to police headquarters where Chief Monroe is ready with his comments."
Chief Monroe: "Hello. Earlier today, an as-of-yet unidentified man who's being pursued at high speeds by perpetrators who were later confirmed to be Vice Kings. Despite the stressful and dangerous nature of this situation, this citizen kept a level head and contacted the police immediately. Once informed, we were able to respond quickly and in so doing were successful in the apprehension, detention, and in a few cases, termination, of some of the most notorious criminals in this city. Today a great victory was achieved in the war on crime. And if the citizens of Stilwater remain vigilant, we are sure to see many more. Thank you for your time."
Jack Armstrong: "What you have been listening to was the live feed of a press briefing held by Chief Monroe regarding the gunfire heard at several police buildings today. He took no questions, and as I watch the video monitor here in the studio, he is already back inside tending to the needs of the community. We'll have more details here in the newsroom as they become available. I'm Jack Armstrong."
3rd Street Saints (epilogue) Edit
Stuffing the Ballot Edit
- Main article: Stuffing the Ballot
- Jack Armstrong: "This just in to the newsroom, a train wreck in Stilwater apparently claims the life of a mayoral candidate. With a report, we go to Jane Valderamma on the scene."
Jane Valderamma: "Chaos at the 8th Street underpass, Jack, as the campaign bus of mayoral candidate Marshall Winslow has been destroyed by a northbound train. I'm looking at the scene from the bridge above the intersection. From what I've been able to gather from railroad officials and from potential eye witnesses, no one knows exactly why the bus simply stopped on the tracks just as the train rounded the bend. There was some word that a man was seen walking quickly away from the vicinity of the bus, but that man has not been identified or located. Police tell me that the impact was heard four blocks away and the train literally cut the bus into two pieces. All those aboard the bus are dead, including Marshall Winslow. Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Jane, do the police have any leads or suspects? Can they tell if the bus had been tampered with?"
Jane Valderamma: "It's still too early to tell, and there has been no official word on that, but one thing everyone here is agreeing on is that this is a tragedy and the city has lost a great man in Marshall Winslow. Reporting live from the 8th Street underpass, this is Jane Valderamma. Back to you, Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Thank you, Jane. We will stay on top of this developing story and we will bring you updates as this tragedy throws the Stilwater mayoral election into disarray. I'm Jack Armstrong."
Hail to the Chief Edit
- Main article: Hail to the Chief
- Jack Armstrong: "This just in to the newsroom, we're just now getting word of an apparent attack in the vicinity of the motorcade and funeral procession of the late Marshall Winslow. With a report, we go to Jane Valderamma at the scene."
Jane Valderamma: "Jack. As I stand here, a good distance from a series of now burnt-out limousines and police cruisers, the scene is unlike anything I've ever witnessed before. The smell of smoke and fire, the sound of rescue vehicles and personnel vainly attempting to find survivors... the bottom line, Jack, is that Police Chief Monroe, and other high-ranking police and City Hall officials, are dead. This is not a simple exchange of gunfire - this appears to be an act of war. The entire funeral procession was targeted by a group of persons unknown and more than half of the vehicles were destroyed. Witnesses I've talked to who were lining the streets to pay their last respects to the late Marshall Winslow described the incredible noise and the extreme precision with which each rocket found its target. Jack..."
Jack Armstrong: "I'm sorry, Jane. Are you confirming that Chief Monroe has in fact been assassinated?"
Jane Valderamma: "I am, Jack. About ten minutes ago I watched as a gurney carrying the chief's badly-burned corpse was loaded into the back of one of the first ambulances to arrive at the scene. Reporting live from the Winslow funeral procession, this is Jane Valderamma. Back to you, Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Thank you Jane, and stay safe. As we get details on this horrific story we will bring them to you immediately. In the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
Saints and Martyrs Edit
- Main article: Saints and Martyrs
- Jack Armstrong: "This just in to the newsroom, a deadly explosion has rocked the waterfront. Our Jane Valderamma is already at the scene."
Jane Valderamma: "Jack, waterfront residents and the press, who were setting up their cameras and microphones to cover the gala fund-raiser scheduled for mayoral candidate's Hughes' campaign, were treated to an amazing site a few moments ago as the yacht registered to the alderman exploded in a shower of brass and mahogany. We were a safe distance away so no one here was injured, as far as we can tell, but we have no word as to who - if anyone - was actually aboard. We don't know how this happened, why this happened, or even who was on the boat - if anyone - as no survivors have been located. I was inside the press tent when it happened, but witnesses outside say that the peaceful, serene evening was suddenly punctured by a viscous explosion that not only reduced the alderman's yacht to a pile of floating debris, but knocked out windows and swamped smaller boats throughout the marina. Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Jane, while you were giving that report we attempted to contact Alderman Hughes' press secretary, and there was no answer. Do we know where the alderman is?"
Jane Valderamma: "No we do not, Jack. I've asked around and no one from the press cord noticed any official movement on the boat, as it's early in the evening and the event was not scheduled to begin for another couple of hours."
Jack Armstrong: "Do we know if this was an accident, or yet another attempt on the life of a public official?"
Jane Valderamma: "Jack, we don't have any definitive answers on that, and with almost no details emerging yet, we still do not know if this was something as silly as a galley or a fuel tank explosion... but in the light of recent events, we cannot rule out the possibility that this was more than just an accident. Reporting live from the waterfront, this is Jane Valderamma. Back to you, Jack."
Jack Armstrong: "Thank you, Jane, and stay dry. Stay tuned as we get more details on this unfolding event, we will bring them to you immediately. In the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Escort
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: limousines: sleek, black beauties gliding along the highways of Stilwater, silently moving high society from party to party. No, think again. Today's limo is no stretch, no, more likely it's a tricked out street racer, a modded death machine driven by hoodlums with a backseat chock-full of no good. Recently, injury, property damage, and death have inserted themselves into the picture with drivers of these cars screaming up and down the party circuit, dropping off their high-heeled hussies, only to launch their vehicles into the crowds of onlookers, with no other goal than to get to the next stop of the Red Light route. Buildings have been damaged, people maimed, killed, or worse. Don't be a statistic; eyes in the rear-view, hands at ten o'clock and two o'clock, and... buckle up. If you're set upon by one of these devil cars, get the hell out of the way. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: the image of the kindly old limousine driver waiting patiently for his client to exhaust themselves at whatever Stilwater watering hole they might be slaking their thirsts at is, sadly, gone - replaced by wild-eyed youngsters who own their own muscled-up cars and have a reputation for mayhem. Their cargo - no longer Mr. and Mrs. Successful - no, today's reckless limo driver is more apt to be ferrying about the stripper, the prostitute, as the kid's would say, the "hoochie". Moving from venue to venue, plying their trade, engaging in all manner of vice, their enemy is time. And for these young lead-foots, that means driving that borders on maniacal, never meeting a traffic signal they couldn't ignore or pedestrians that couldn't be side-swiped. Today's limo driver is a terror that needs to be watched for. Be vigilant and safe out there. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: the life of a paparazzi: following runway supermodels, fresh-faced boy toys, and baby doll pop singers around, looking for that perfect tabloid photograph. Usually, a safe profession, until now. The driver of a celebrity-laden vehicle recently injured several photographers in his zeal to deliver his famous cargo to yet another glitzy Stilwater nightclub. Arm broken, camera shattered, the only images that this paparazzo will be viewing will be those of his own x-ray. And no identity has been assigned this whacked-out chauffeur; when contacted, the local police have had no response to the public pleas for his name. It's best to steer clear of the local livery, their goals are no longer comfort and safety, but instead deadly speed. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Hijacking
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: east bound and down, loaded up and truckin', but it seems no matter what route these truckers take through Stilwater, bandits are lying in wait to relieve them of their cargo. A rash of hijackings has left the trucking industry in a tailspin... things are far from five by five, good buddy. Safety precautions have proven to be ineffective against these thieves and Smokey... well, Smokey says be careful out there. If boarded, hand over your loads and do so quickly and quietly; only after the hijackers have left the vicinity should you report them to the authorities. In addition to increasing their ground patrols, Stilwater has bears in the air, and they've said that it's only a matter of time before they put the brakes on this reign of trucking terror. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: people will often say to me two simple words: "hi Jack". And I take it as a simple greeting, a pleasantry exchanged between friends, but take those two simple words and say them as one, and you'll find quickly they take on a whole new meaning on the mean streets of Stilwater. Increasingly the safety of the trucking industry has been stretched to its limits; hijacking is on the rise and the Stilwater police report that their hijacking task force for HTF has been retrained to take on this potent menace. Packages are stolen, vehicles are stripped for parts, and the market for bootlegged goods is a healthy one. What can one do? Little, it seems. Stilwater police advise tracking packages carefully and if you see a hijacking taking place, do not, repeat, do not attempt to retrieve your package during the melee. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: wondering why that package you were expecting is late or not arriving at all? Well we just might have the answer. Each and every day the highways of Stilwater are a bustling windmill of commerce and business. Lately, some of that business has been monkey business, as brazen thieves have been mercilessly commandeering 18 wheelers and other transport vehicles, stripping them of their precious cargo, only to re-sell it later on Stilwater's searching black market. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Hostage
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: imagine this horrifying scenario: an otherwise uneventful day is pierced by the screech of your telephone - at the other end - someone looking for money, not for an errant bill or a worthwhile charity, no, this time it's blood money. Your family's lives are at risk; they've been kidnapped and you're being shaken down for ransom. Not likely in Stilwater? In the last week, this very fantasy has become reality for a dozen or more families as the crime of kidnapping has reared its ugly head, leaving spouses distraught and bank accounts emptied. The Stilwater police advise caution and cooperation, as well as minimizing your chances of getting caught in the first place; lock your car doors, keep to main streets when driving, and watch for dicey situations on the street. Although no deaths have yet been attributed to the gang members involved, there is no reason to risk that these criminals might force your family to pay the ultimate price. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: there's a new game in town and it's a two-for-one special for criminals: car theft and kidnapping; each a heinous transgression on their own, but when combined with a thug powered by hard drugs and desperation, the stakes rise. A simple car-jacking becomes ransom notes and demands for money, taking an annoying inconvenience to a game of life and death. When you hear about things like this, you say, "not in my town"... yes, Stilwater, in your town. We wish we had tips to keep you safe, but no one can predict the unpredictable, so stick with the basics: keep your doors locked, your head on a swivel, and your trust in the Stilwater police. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: car-jacking, kidnapping, could this happen to you? Increasingly in Stilwater the answer, sadly, is yes. It doesn't appear that there is a method to their criminal madness; anyone and everyone is at risk, and that means you, stopped at a red light, waiting outside the convenience store - even the most mundane errand can turn into a nightmare for you and your family. And let's hope your bank balance can stand the pain. These hoodlums are not likely to simply visit the lost and found, no, they're asking big bucks to release their hostages unharmed. Vigilance, Stilwater, vigilance. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Mayhem
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: the heroic act of coming to this country in search of the American Dream is never more starkly realized than the image of a single immigrant and his pushcart. But today, serving a hot brat with grilled onions can be a dangerous proposition; imagine: attempting to fill the hungry stomachs of your customers with your hot food, while wearing a pleasant smile and engaging in English-as-a-second-language banter, only to be flattened by an errant vehicle piloted by an out-of-control vandal bent on the destruction of your property, jumping the curb, and bringing an abrupt end to your customer's lunch... and your life. So much for the American Dream, Boris. And it happens far too often in Stilwater - we've seen it more and more recently as the brazen criminals who run in gangs are also running roughshod over the populace and its property. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: lawns destroyed, shop windows shattered, even city mailboxes flattened at random, the blame for these outrages can be laid squarely at the feet of local miscreants rampaging out of control in an orgy of vandalism never before seen on these city streets. As a life-long resident of Stilwater, I cannot recall a time where I, and those near and dear to me, feared more for our property or our lives. Should one get caught in front of an automobile turfing a lawn, the chances of survival are no greater than being run down in the street. Step between a bat and its target - the common mailbox - and you realize that to these ruffians your life is about as valuable as the junk mail you casually trash each day. Vandalism on the rise in Stilwater. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: your tax dollars go not only to pay the salaries of government officials, but to pay for the most utilitarian and mundane of objects: fire hydrants, street signs, telephone poles; all defaced and destroyed in the rising tide of vandalism that has engulfed Stilwater. These items are hardly cheap: every run-over fire hydrant costs thousands of dollars to replace, each stolen street sign - days of labor to set right. And your money, having paid for these destroyed items once, now must pay for them again. Stilwater police are seeking your help in finding and arresting those responsible for these disrespectful activities. Call the tipline at 4-VANDALS if you see this vandalism occurring in your neighborhood. Let's keep Stilwater clean and carefree - together. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Racing
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: In the '50s it was called "racing for pinks", and was seen as a rite of passage for the youth of America. But today, in Stilwater, far from seeing pink, local police and medical personnel are too often seeing red. High speed drag racing, circuits that wind through the roughest parts of town, and in almost every case, destruction, maiming, and death follow in these street racers' asphalt wakes. Innocent bystanders are not only suffering from fear and sleeplessness, they too can become victims, joining the drivers for trips to the emergency room. So far, authorities have not been able to bring this raging case of the speedies under control. For now, these criminals are moving too fast, leaving those authorities too furious. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: On When Modding Turns Deadly. Several young people were injured and two people lost their lives recently, as Stilwater witnessed yet another example of taking stock automobiles, modifying them to illegal specifications, racing in them, and dying in them. Illegal street racing has become an epidemic, especially in areas already overrun with gang activity. Residents are advised to steer clear of these loud, boisterous, and deadly parts of Stilwater. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: hospital emergency rooms have become a little more swollen recently after admitting a few more unlucky participants in the hoodlum game known as street racing. These surface-street daredevils not only put themselves at risk, but endanger the lives of nearby citizens. The thrill of 90+ mile an hour speed is something this reporter remembers from his youth, but that was on the controlled environment of Germany's Autobahn. Here in Stilwater, however, the same cannot be said. Narrow lanes snaking through the city barely lend themselves to everyday stop-and-go traffic, let alone the treacherous nightmare of today's steel and chrome chariots. And as was seen last night... speed... kills. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Snatch
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: the streets of Stilwater can be a dangerous place for fine, upstanding citizens, but, increasingly, if you work those streets, danger is everywhere, and the stakes are even higher. By its very definition, prostitution transforms a woman into a mere object - objects that recently have been stolen, brazenly, and in broad daylight. From the men that employ them as sex workers and from the streets, some of them are found near hours later in the employ of brothels all around the city. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: working as a prostitute has always been dangerous, and now there is a new danger lurking for ladies of the evening. Rival gangs have taken to stealing these women as if they were property to be bought and sold, and relocating them against their will, ripped from the men who both employ them and terrorize them, and force them to ply their trades at a new madam's service. As if their lives are not in enough turmoil, these women find themselves pawns in the streets of Stilwater's most dangerous game. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: authorities are telling us that the world's oldest profession is falling prey to the world's second oldest profession. As if the streets weren't dangerous enough, local thugs are with increasing frequency rounding up prostitutes under the very noses of the pimps that have employed and exploited them, and whisking them off to work against their will in unidentified houses of ill repute all around the city. Closed-circuit to the working ladies: if you spread your legs for money, be careful. Be careful. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Main article: Theft
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: thievery in some countries is dealt with swiftly and surely, the hand severed from the thief's arm. Local merchants are wondering, "can we learn something from this?". A rash of shelf-emptying smash and grab larceny has driven local merchants to the ends of their ropes. The Stilwater Police Department has been wholly ineffective in stopping this spree - private security firms are faring no better. And to add insult to injury, merchants tell us that they see their products showing up in the window fronts of pawn shops near-blocks away. Alarms ineffective, cameras blind to the crime, to the beleaguered local businessman, a human cry for ancient justice seems to be growing louder and louder. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: theft is on the rise in Stilwater, and nowhere is it more evident than in the gang-controlled neighborhoods of the city. This reporter spoke to one of the statistics of this crime wave: an honest merchant of retail goods. He complained that his establishment had been hit four times in the last month, that his inventory's appearing mere hours later in local pawn shops, and there is little - he claims - he can do about it. Things have become so bad that he would gladly trade one crime for another, actually longing for the days where criminals demanded protection money. Today, they just take, and they take some more. When reached for comment, local authorities assured me that they are doing all that they can... but is it enough? I think not. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
- Jack Armstrong: "I'm Jack Armstrong in the newsroom with this special report: the legend of Robin Hood is well-known to children and adults alike, but in a bizarre twist to the process of robbing the rich and giving to the poor, all that criminals in Stilwater are leaving to us lately is the robbing. Sources tell us that strong-armed robberies have beleaguered local merchants, baffled police, and sent Stilwater on edge. The ill-gotten goods are not ending up on online auctions, but rather appearing several days later on the shelves of local pawn shops. It appears that these pawn shops are more than willing to turn a blind eye to the source of this booty and are turning the merchants' misfortune into pure profit. Seized goods are placed on display at your local police precinct. If you've had inventory stolen from your shop, contact your local Stilwater police department. For updates, tune to us for the latest details and information. For Jane Valderamma, Flying Officer Mike McCabe, and all of us in the newsroom, I'm Jack Armstrong."
Saints Row 2 Edit
3rd Street Saints (prologue) Edit
- Main article: Jailbreak
- Jane Valderamma: "It's been said that this year's heatwave has made this summer the worst in Stilwater's history. Today another feather has been added to this years[sic] dubious cap: the leader of the Third Street Saints has awoken. Long since forgotten, this criminal icon joined fellow inmate Carlos Mendoza in brazen escape from Stilwater Penitentary.[sic] In a plan born from pruno and despiration[sic] , the two fugitives cut a bloody swath as they moved from cell block, to the open water. While their current wareabouts are unknown, it's safe to assume that the sidewalks are no longer safe. I'm Jane Valderamma, chanel 6[sic] news."
Appointed Defender (during) Edit
- Main article: Appointed Defender
- Jane Valderamma: "I'm standing here now outside the courthouse, and it is a media circus. Every major news outlet is here hoping to be the first to cover the result of this historic trial. While there has been speculation that Troy's failure to appear as a witness is testiment[sic] to his loyalty to his gangland roots, others claim that it is nothing short of naked fear for his life that keeps him from entering the same room as Johnny Gat. One thing is for sure, the saga that has been the Johnny Gat trial...is coming to a close. I'm Jane Valdaramma[sic] , channel 6 news."
Appointed Defender Edit
- Main article: Appointed Defender
- Jane Valderamma: "It was an ending more dramatic than a movie of the week, and more violent than a Charles Mueller film but the Johnny Gat trial has finally come to a close. Earlier today the formerly comatose leader of the Saints burst into the Stilwater Courthouse guns blazing, leaving Justice not only blind but gut shot as well. As the odds of our city plunging into gang violence rise the one safe bet is this: the only people happy about what happened in the courthouse, is Friendly Fire. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
Down Payment Edit
- Main article: Down Payment
- Jane Valderamma: "The streets of Stilwater were quiet today, as apparently the homeless population of Stilwater took the day off. Sidewalks that were once bustling with hobos panhandling are eerily vacant, and park benches are stangely available to be sat on. No one knows for sure what happened to our oft forgotten and smelly bretheren...maybe someone finally gave them their two dollars. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
Three Kings Edit
- Main article: Three Kings
- Jane Valderamma: "Like Saint Nick stuffing candies in a child's shoe, an annonomus individual hid goodies of a different sort in the Stilwater River. This morning bodies of several homeless as well as those belonging to astreet gang known as "The Sons of Samedi" were found floating down the coast. Could this be a bloody portend of things to come? Only time will tell. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
Sons of Samedi Edit
Burning Down the House Edit
- Main article: Burning Down the House
- Jane Valderamma: "Chaos. It's the only word fitting to describe the results of the conflageration that's consuming Shivington. Earlier tonight a series of meth labs exploded creating a chain of events that is nothing short of catastrophic. As the neighborhood burns, emergency teams are desperately trying to treat any one they can find. As burn wards throughout the city get filled to capacity, one has to wonder. What sort of sociopath could be responsible for causing this. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
The Brotherhood Edit
Jail Bait Edit
- Main article: Jail Bait
- Jane Valderamma: "Today members of The Brotherhood who were released from prison found out that while the law aquitted[sic] them, justice is a blind and spiteful whore. As the newly released men and women were being driven to be released, the leader of the Third Streets[sic] turned these vehicles of deliverence[sic] into municipal coffins. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
The Ronin Edit
Saint's Seven Edit
- Main article: Saint's Seven
- Jane Valderamma: "It was the god Posideon[sic] who watched over sailors setting forth from Greece, ensuring their safety. Sadly, the Grecian diety was unable to extend this same protection to his Texas Hold 'Em tables. While details remain sketchy at best, early reports have said Troy Bradshaw is handling the investigation personally. More on this daring robbery as the story unfolds. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
One Man's Junk Edit
- Main article: One Man's Junk...
- Jane Valderamma: "The Chinese Heritage Festival...a time for fun, egg drop soup and tonight...murder. It was here that the notorious street gang known as "The Ronin" terrorized the festival presumidly looking for tea house entrepaneur, Mr. Wong. As fires burned junk and Tai chi practicioner alike, the festival goers were rescued by an unlikely savior...the Third Street Saints. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
Ultor (epilogue) Edit
Pyramid Scheme Edit
- Main article: Pyramid Scheme
- Jane Valderamma: "The Pyramid. It was a fictional place constructed in the minds of conspiracy therorists and the severly deranged...or was it? Today an explosion deep within Mount Claflin destroyed more than just bedrock...it obliterated our fragile beliefs. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you're sitting down: The Pyramid...is real. For more on this breathtaking development, tune into channel 6 news tonight. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
Salting the Earth...Again Edit
- Main article: Salting the Earth...Again
- Jane Valderamma: "It was to be the gala to end all galas...and regretably for the Ultor Board of Directors...it was. The mirth born of profits and over priced vodka gimlets was drowned out by gunfire, as an unknown assailent killed the party with more efficiency and brutality than any line dance could. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
... and a Better Life Edit
- Main article: ... and a Better Life
- Jane Valderamma: "Behind me stands the broken husk of the Phillips Building. Once the proud--if not phallic--icon of Saints Row, the Phillips Building has since been changed into a destructive monument, sculpted by a group of deranged artists known collectively...as The Third Street Saints. I'm Jane Valderamma, channel 6 news."
- Main article: Revelation
- Jane Valderamma: "It is the end of an era. The body of gang icon Julius Little was found this morning, and while the time of his passing has yet to be determined, his multiple gunshot wounds have ruled out accidental death. Does this mean that the gang epidemic is finally coming to an end? Or is this simply one more casualty in a continually mounting gang war? I'm Jane Valderamma, Channel 6 news."
Saints Row: The Third Edit
A newscast is played directly after many missions, and never repeated.
When Good Heists Go Bad Edit
- Main article: When Good Heists Go Bad
- Jane Valderamma: "The celebrity of the 3rd Street Saints was put to a violent and destructive test in Stilwater. Patrons of a local bank were subjected to a mock hold-up by this internationally popular gang. However, excitement was replaced with panic when shots rang out and blood began to decorate the lobby. During the ensuing firefight, the bank's vault was ripped from the building, showering rubble down onto the bystanders below. The extent of the damage landed the Saints, like so many celebrities before them, in jail - at least for a few hours. This is Jane Valderamma with your Celebrity Crime News."
I'm Free - Free Falling Edit
- Main article: I'm Free - Free Falling
- Jane Valderamma: "Like some hellish children's book, the sky has fallen in Steelport. Ten people are dead after several cars came raining out of the sky, crushing an apartment building in a fiery blaze. Dozens of bodies, along with a number of crates and mangled vehicles filled the streets nearby. Looters raided the scene before the police arrived, salvaging car stereos and sex dolls from the debris. The city morgue has not released the names of the victims killed in what seems to be a mid-air accident, and no plane wreckage has been found. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Disaster Report."
We're Going to Need Guns Edit
- Main article: We're Going to Need Guns
- Jane Valderamma: "A light rain can refresh the soul and wash away the stains of the day. When that rain is several tons of metal, the stains are all that's left of the people caught in the downpour. Several National Guard helicopters suffered from some form of malfunction during what officials are saying was a training exercise. Though several eye witnesses report one helicopter carrying what looked like a bomb, no confirmation is being given. The wreckage is being cleared away and taken for further analysis in the hopes such an event will never happen again. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Breaking News."
Steelport Here I Am Edit
- Main article: Steelport Here I Am
- Jane Valderamma: "For those who work in retail, life can be full of monotonous sales and customers that make one wish torture was legal. However, for a few employees of Planet Saints, life recently became well worth the pain: the leader of the Saints and Japanese commercial superstar Pierce Washington stopped by to do a little shopping. Though no autographs were signed for the hard workers at the store, shoppers were treated to a show of skill when an enraged man attacked the Saints after they exited the store. The ensuing fight showed bystanders that the Saints had not gone soft as international celebrities. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Celebrity News."
Party Time Edit
- Main article: Party Time
- Jane Valderamma: "Parties with the rich and famous usually involve expensive champagne, recreational drugs, and numerous hookers. Now, gunfights can be added to that list. Shots were fired in a downtown penthouse apartment resulting in several deaths and at least one noise complaint filed by a neighbor. The reason for the violence is unknown, however, some guests were seen fleeing the scene after a fight broke out. Among the attendees were several local and foreign businessmen, as well as a reported appearance from the Saints. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Celebrity Crime Report."
The Belgian Problem (disarm) Edit
- Main article: The Belgian Problem
- Jane Valderamma: "Like an action adventure movie, citizens of Steelport are being terrorized by a giant boulder. The several ton object escaped from an office building downtown when the cables for a counterweight snapped and sent this rolling ball of death out into the streets. Though an elevator was crushed during the fall, rescue workers were unable to pry apart the metal to determine if anyone was inside; the presence of what appeared to be blood suggested the worst. At this time, city officials are uncertain how this new menace will be removed before more people find themselves crushed under its enormous weight. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Terror Report."
The Belgian Problem (destroy) Edit
- Main article: The Belgian Problem
- Jane Valderamma: "The skyline of Steelport has been forever changed with the destruction of one of downtown's largest skyscrapers. As if a piece of a puzzle has gone missing, sucked up in the vacuum of destruction, this towering building was destroyed by what police are saying was a large bomb. The blast originated from the loading dock of the massive structure, suggesting a delivery gone horribly wrong. Police are beginning the effort to sort through the evidence being pulled out of the rubble, though the extent of the damage does not leave much hope for finding those responsible. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Skyline Update."
Return to Steelport Edit
- Main article: Return to Steelport
- Jane Valderamma: "For most people, sexual fetishes are left in the bedroom or the brothel. However, citizens here in Steelport were recently exposed to the darker side of the equestrian world. Several pony carts were used as getaway vehicles during a shootout on the streets of the city. The carts, pulled by people dressed in leather straps and wearing bridles, turned the heads of both the disgusted and the aroused. Not one witness could give a description of the drivers who were shooting each other, most stating they were too busy trying to figure out how the horse tails were attached. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Recreational News."
Trojan Whores Edit
- Main article: Trojan Whores
- Jane Valderamma: "Prostitution: most people see the danger from this oldest of professions as being a venereal one. However, in downtown Steelport, the danger was far more disturbing. A penthouse party turned into a bloodbath as seemingly regular hookers pulled more than lube from their bags. Police report that the women entered the premises with the intent to kill all the partygoers only to be gunned down themselves. Many lonely customers will be left alone on the streets of the city tonight. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Vice News."
The Ho Boat Edit
- Main article: The Ho Boat
- Jane Valderamma: "With the hope of an impromptu fireworks display, people looked up, only to see falling gun shells raining down into their eyes. The apparent theft of a cargo container gave citizens a scare as gunfire was heard in the skies above Steelport. Several helicopters flew through the city, dodging bullets coming from rooftops throughout the area. The contents of the container are unknown, though several people on the ground report it was leaking what they describe as "smelling like urine". This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Import News."
Gang Bang Edit
- Main article: Gang Bang
- Jane Valderamma: "As if Steelport was an enemy nation, military vehicles rolled into the streets while troops deployed all over the city. This invasion of armed forces, known as the STAG Initiative, vows to end the death and destruction that has plagued our streets. Upon their arrival, a raid was conducted on a popular night club, where the head of one such criminal organization was said to be hiding. Several people were shot and killed in the ensuing firefight while property damage is estimated in the hundreds... of thousands. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Safety Update."
Live! With Killbane Edit
- Main article: Live! With Killbane
- Jane Valderamma: "Angered over Eddie "Killbane" Pryor's exclusive interview, members of the 3rd Street Saints confronted several of his associates, gunning them down in an abandoned office building. Your very own Jane Valderamma cornered these now-infamous killers to ask them their thoughts on the accusations of the self-proclaimed philanthropist. While the conversation was punctuated with guns waving threateningly, the message was clear: the Saints want to end Killbane's life. The reasons behind this murderous intent did not come out, though the recent release of a video showing their involvement in the destruction of a memorial bridge in Stilwater may have sparked their ire. This is Jane Valderamma risking life and limb for you, Steelport."
Learning Computer Edit
- Main article: Learning Computer
- Jane Valderamma: "Like a high tech hot potato, one of the most powerful supercomputers in North America has been taken from STAG by the Deckers, who have now lost it to the Saints. Remarkably, it appears that the computer took no damage during these violent exchanges and the Saints are believed to have it secured in an undisclosed location. There is no official word regarding the Saints' plans for the computer, but rumors are beginning to swirl around an ambitious new spin on virtual reality porn. Stay tuned for further details; this is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Mobile Computing News."
- Main article: http://deckers.die
- Jane Valderamma: "Computer security experts breathed a sigh of relief today as word spread that super hacker Matt Miller has sworn off modern technology and left town. Former associates of Mr Miller has stated that he has always been fascinated by Neo-Luddism and decided it was time to make a change. Some experts in the field have speculated that recent cyberwarfare initiatives by STAG and the Saints lead to Matt Miller's change of heart, but both organizations were too busy celebrating to comment. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Cyber News."
Convoy Decoy Edit
- Main article: Convoy Decoy
- Jane Valderamma: "What rebellious teenager didn't go joyriding in their parents' car, blowing off steam and staining the backseat? However, the theft of a military aircraft cost more than a two week grounding; the unknown suspect unloaded the plane's weapons onto both STAG outposts and city streets, destroying millions in military and civilian vehicles and property. Roadblocks were destroyed entirely and a public park was filled with the bodies of the soldiers who tried to stop the chaos. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Crime Report."
Nyte Blayde's Return Edit
- Main article: Nyte Blayde's Return
- Jane Valderamma: "Tween girls cried out in heartbreak as the rumor of Josh Birk's kidnapping spreads. The idolized actor, who portrays the vigilante vampire Nyte Blayde, was reportedly forced out of the studio at gunpoint and thrown into the back of a vehicle. At this time it is unclear if Birk is alive or dead. Support sites are popping up on the Internet by the hour begging those responsible to let the actor go, while opponents of the violence seen on the show are claiming this is karmic retribution. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Celebrity Gossip."
STAG Party Edit
- Main article: STAG Party
- Jane Valderamma: "When you have to rob a bank in order to pay for an apartment in downtown Steelport, one expects the comfort and security such a price should bring. However, several residents in downtown were surprised when a massive STAG operation destroyed the penthouse loft on top of their building. Military planes, explosive devices, and enough firepower to occupy a small country were used in this latest example of STAG's fight against gang activity in the city. Commander Cyrus Temple has commented that the operation was a success, though he would not give a statement on any plans to aid the innocent residents affected by the destruction. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Community News."
My Name is Cyrus Temple Edit
- Main article: My Name is Cyrus Temple
- Jane Valderamma: "Steelport's coastal waters gained a new landmark when the aircraft carrier Thermopylae, operational headquarters for the STAG Initiative, suddenly exploded, scattering wide portions of the wrecked ship over a wide area. Casualties are believed to be surprisingly light. No official cause for the accident has been given, but STAG quickly reassured the city that the ruined nuclear carrier posed no health risk to the city. Commander Temple has shifted his headquarters into Steelport and temporarily restricted the downtown area. All residents are assured that any inconveniences are purely temporary. This is Jane Valderamma with your Military-Approved News."
A Remote Chance Edit
- Main article: A Remote Chance
- Jane Valderamma: "Murderbrawl XXXI could have a disappointingly thin slate after a series of accidents claimed the lives of several top competitors. Murderbrawl opponents have already seized on these accidents to question the long-term health effects of the sport, claiming that undiagnosed brain injuries, combined with the performance-enhancing drugs, caused the competitors to fall asleep at the wheel. As is always the case with this exhibition, the additional controversy only raises the anticipation for the next event. While there may be fewer matches, Murderbrawl XXXI will still feature the highly-anticipated fight between Steelport's own Killbane and The Stilwater Butcher. This is Jane Valderamma with the Steelport Sports Entertainment News."
Murderbrawl XXXI Edit
- Main article: Murderbrawl XXXI
- Jane Valderamma: "No one who was in attendance will ever forget the incredible spectacle that was Murderbrawl XXXI. The capacity crowd anticipating a grudge match between Eddie "Killbane" Pryor and The Butcher of Stilwater was first shocked and delighted by the stunning return of Killbane's former tag team partner Angel De LaMuerte. In the end, it was The Butcher of Stilwater who stole the show by dealing Killbane a crushing and humiliating defeat. This may have been the final page of Killbane's storied career, but with the return of Angel and the emergence of The Butcher, Murderbrawl fans are too excited to care. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Fight Night News."
Air Steelport Edit
- Main article: Air Steelport
- Jane Valderamma: "The explosions heard in the sky over Steelport were not, in fact, evidence of an alien invasion; STAG has confirmed that some of their cargo aircraft were involved in a... "suspicious incident" that damaged or destroyed several planes. This... "incident" resulted in a large amount of wreckage, including bodies, raining down over parts of Steelport. The exact cause of the... "incident" is unknown, but wild rumours of a superhero-like figure smashing the flying planes with a bare fist can surely be discounted. At this time we cannot estimate the extent of damages caused by this... "incident". This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Air Safety Report."
Zombie Attack Edit
- Main article: Zombie Attack
- Jane Valderamma: "With zombies devouring our neighbors' brains and STAG seemingly powerless to stop them, Steelport was in a desperate plight. Mayor Burt Reynolds decided that desperate times call for desperate measures and enlisted the help of the Saints to combat the undead menace. Though details of the Saints' anti-zombie campaign remain sketchy, not even the walking dead could withstand the Saints' unparalleled talents for violence and mayhem. Because our gallant mayor rose to the occasion, Steelport can sleep easy tonight knowing our brains are safe. This is Jane Valderamma with the Steelport Mortuary Report."
Three Way (save Shaundi) Edit
- Main article: Three Way
- Jane Valderamma: "Even as residents of Steelport mourn those who died during the fighting between STAG and The Syndicate, the Saints are being celebrated as heroes. Even Senator Hughes, long a critic of the Saints, has praised the gang for their efforts to end the bloodshed and save the beloved Steelport monument. While the future of STAG is presently unknown, we can confirm that Eddie "Killbane" Pryor, thought to be the leader of The Syndicate, has fled Steelport. Considering the record of the Saints leader, Eddie Pryor may have to run very far indeed to escape the vengeance of the Saints. This is Jane Valderamma with the Steelport Body Count Report."
Three Way (eliminate Killbane) Edit
- Main article: Three Way
- Jane Valderamma: "The beloved Steelport monument was destroyed during a bloody three-way battle between the Saints, STAG, and The Syndicate. While the future of STAG remains unknown, we can confirm that the rumored leader of The Syndicate, Eddie "Killbane" Pryor, was brutally murdered by the Saints as he attempted to leave the city. At this time, the Saints appear to be ruling the streets of a city that largely blames them for the worst of the violence. As residents mourn the loss of their neighbors and their monument, it is hard to see how they will ever forget this day and embrace the new dominance of the Saints. This is Jane Valderamma with the Steelport Angry Citizens Report."
Gangstas in Space Edit
- Main article: Gangstas in Space
- Jane Valderamma: "Already acclaimed as cultural icons and urban heroes, the Saints are now adding "movie stars" to their list of accolades. The science fiction film "Gangstas in Space", now in production, appears destined to be one of the biggest budget movies of all time. While we have confirmed that the leader of the Saints will be joined on the silver screen by other prominent members of the gang, we still do not know who will replace the late Johnny Gat in the cast. A release date for this movie has not been announced. This is Jane Valderamma with your Steelport Red Carpet News."
STAG Film Edit
- Main article: STAG Film
- Jane Valderamma: "Long the subject of rumor, STAG has revealed their ultimate black budget project: the Daedalus. For a short time, the sky carrier was brutally efficient in destroying Steelport and slaughtering its citizens, but the Saints came to the defense of our city and reduced the behemoth to a twisted pile of smoking wreckage. In a special broadcast, the Saints leader has declared that Steelport is now its own country and ordered all remaining STAG units to leave. Pierce Washington will be overseeing the day-to-day operations. May god help the new city-state of Steelport. This is Jane Valderamma with your International Politics News."
These are played in rotation with Commercials, after each Stronghold until a certain missions is completed, and may be repeated.
Hit the Powder RoomEdit
Played until completing The Belgian Problem
Pimps Up, Hos DownEdit
Played until completing Gang Bang
Stop all the DownloadingEdit
Played until completing http://deckers.die
3 Count Beat DownEdit
Played until completing Murderbrawl XXXI
This can be played randomly at all times.
These are played after My Name is Cyrus Temple.
- A Saints Row newscast for the Hijacking activity has Jack state, "east bound and down, loaded up and truckin'", a reference to the Jerry Reed song, East Bound and Down. The newscast also makes mention of Smokey which, along with the rest of the newscast, is a reference to the film Smokey and the Bandit, which also featured Jerry Reed, and of which East Bound and Down served as its theme song.
- The newscasts for the first two missions in Saints Row: The Third, "When Good Heists Go Bad" and "I'm Free - Free Falling", do not play until the third mission, "We're Going to Need Guns".
- There are two different newscasts for the missions "The Belgian Problem" and "Three Way" in Saints Row: The Third; different ones will play depending on how the player completes them.
- If the player chooses to save Syndicate Tower by disarming the bomb in the mission "The Belgian Problem" in Saints Row: The Third, the newscast that follows will mention, "though an elevator was crushed during the fall, rescue workers were unable to pry apart the metal to determine if anyone was inside"; Phillipe Loren was not crushed inside an elevator - he was crushed outside the elevator in the lobby of the loading dock.